growing closer still: our engagement

life around me shapes my thoughts and the movement of my heart.  in similitude with a city's bustle molding my thoughts into a bustling crowd, the country moves my thoughts into a slow stroll.  It turns my heart into a flower with it's face to the sun, my dreams into a stream of steady movement and progression, and my spoken prayers into prayerful silence.  the clarity of the sky focuses my mind and the bird's song prompts my spirit to sing.  

nature has been my mirror for the past few months and the open sky my counselor.  the massive physical space of land and water and air that dane and i have been living in naturally draws everything out into the open. no crevices provide the option of disappearing and even the darkness is always illumined with the bold, white moon.   but this exposed place is in the center of the palm of God's hand.  when we walked through pain, lies, the cords of friendship, worship of the heart, the deepening of our love, communication, the reality of truth...every moment of our journey so far...it was in a place of complete safety.  

i know that i have been purposed to be the song in dane's mouth.  he has been purposed to be the breath of my lungs and the dance of my feet.  i will be his tears and him my laughter.  we will soon be each other's bodies, the carrier of each other's dreams.  i already see myself in the light of his eyes and i know that he is in the words of my prayers.  the most excited part about becoming engaged to one another is that it is the inclusion of everyone we love to become a part of us as well.  the act of our engagement is the opening of the doors of our relationship to your words, counsel, love, support, and excitement.  It is the stripping of the curtain that covers the artist's statue.  We are the statue that has been revealed to the world but you are the hands that polish us and your perspective of our shape creates more depth and layers to our existence.  

when dane asked me to marry him: (entry from my journal)

"freezing winds blew through the valley all morning, creating the clearest afternoon I've ever seen here.  all of the details of the mountains were brought into focus and each blade of grass stood in precision.  we walked to pick tangerines from Antonio's, dreaming about the future: selling smoothies from our van, writing, learning, the development of our love.  Our minds were as clear as the day around us, our hearts filled to the brim with joy and thankfulness.  as we walked up the path of the land, i asked dane to dip our heads in the little stream.  squatting on our butts, we bowed our heads over the water.  he said, let me bathe you!  and began scooping cold water onto my head.  so much happiness suddenly flooded my heart and body that i collapsed backwards into the grass, exploding in laughter.  Dane sat looking over me and peaceful silence covered us.  he took my dripping head in his arms, looked deep into my eyes and heart and plucked a perfect yellow daisy, holding it up in the sun and saying, 'Jillie, will you marry me?'  warm tears filled my eyes and rolled down my cold cheeks.  we laughed so hard, our bodies shook.  we kissed, laughing and crying.  he said, 'our love is this simple, as simple as this flower.  what else do we need?'  the clouds were startlingly white behind him .  we dipped our heads back over the stream, splashing water and newness of life over each other.  putting our heads together, he prayed over us and we thanked God.  It was the beginning of the outward symbol of our love. "

a few nights later, back in Sintra at his parent's home, he led me down the street and over a little wall where candles and lanterns lined a path.  i followed the lights to a small shack filled with candles, tiny flames on the floor, hanging from doors and windows.  a guitar and pillows were scattered with the candles and wine sat on a shelf.  a small nest sat in the middle of the room with two olive wood rings that dane had carved on the land buried in the next among black and white feather we had found together.  it was a night of awe, laughter, tears, songs to me from dane's heart, and worship.  I was in a daze, the purity of dane's love towards me and the closeness of God was beyond understanding.

thank you guys for all of the messages i have received from you!  i can feel your prayers, support, and love from across the ocean and i hold on to them dearly as we keep progressing on this unbelievable journey.  we are taking off to southern france and germany for the next months but will be back in santa barbara for a quick visit in the beginning of June.  we can't wait to share life in person!  

deep, deep love.  

hidden treasure

this blog was almost titled hidden. in a world that prides itself on maintaing facades and building personal walls, the truth of God is not absent, but hidden beneath layers and layers of deceit. We have to search to find. People have provided me with a safe space to open and share my heart and have used Jesus' hands to pull my gifts out of me and the hidden treasure within my heart. Everyone has treasure within them, but often all we see are the layers covering. It is our job as kingdom seekers to reveal the truth within individuals.

"It is the glory of God to hide a matter. It is the glory of a king to search it out." Proverbs 25:1-3

Matthew 13

10The disciples came to him and asked, "Why do you speak to the people in parables?"

11He replied, "The knowledge of the secrets of the kingdom of heaven has been given to you, but not to them. 12Whoever has will be given more, and he will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what he has will be taken from him. 13This is why I speak to them in parables:
"Though seeing, they do not see;
though hearing, they do not hear or understand. 14In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah:
" 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding;
you will be ever seeing but never perceiving.
15For this people's heart has become calloused;
they hardly hear with their ears,
and they have closed their eyes.
Otherwise they might see with their eyes,
hear with their ears,
understand with their hearts
and turn, and I would heal them.'[a] 16But blessed are your eyes because they see, and your ears because they hear. 17For I tell you the truth, many prophets and righteous men longed to see what you see but did not see it, and to hear what you hear but did not hear it.

44"The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.
45"Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. 46When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.

SHE SHALL SING, HOSEA 2

HOSEA 2 has been the chapter that God used to confirm my actions of following him into the development of a new relationship. Confirmed through prophesies, songs, a sermon, and a friend, these words that God spoke to the Israelites were also spoken to me.

14 "Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the desert
and speak tenderly to her.

15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will sing as in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt.

16 "In that day," declares the LORD,
"you will call me 'my husband';
you will no longer call me 'my master.'

17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked.

18 In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field and the birds of the air
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety.

19 I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
in [e] love and compassion.

20 I will betroth you in faithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.

21 "In that day I will respond,"
declares the LORD—
"I will respond to the skies,
and they will respond to the earth;
22 and the earth will respond to the grain,
the new wine and oil,
and they will respond to Jezreel.

23 I will plant her for myself in the land;
I will show my love to the one I called 'Not my loved one. [g] '
I will say to those called 'Not my people, ' 'You are my people';
and they will say, 'You are my God.' "

i will sing before the Lord and the sound of my voice be a key unlocking his heart.

"Many people spend their entire lives reacting to what they don't want to be instead of responding to the call of God on their lives. " -Kris Vallotton

I've never been great at keeping journals. i carry a little moleskin around all day searching for a miracle to jot down or listening for a profound word to drop from someone's lips and hit my blank notebook. as i fill each and every moleskin, i consider them a waste. i underestimate my ability to produce the purpose and depth and power that i am jealous of. but when i read over my journals years or months later, i almost want to slap myself in the face as my eyes are opened to the understanding that the spirit within me is as profound as it gets. somehow (by the grace of God) my forced and discouraged journal jottings transform into spirit-breathed revelations.

God is good. the story of my funny life is long and boring, curving around petty trips and falls, out-of-this world encounters with jesus only to be forgotten days later, whimsical trips to foreign countries... a story that only God could delight in and a story that only he could weave into his powerful and beautiful heart.

I am only beginning to enter into the purpose and depth and power that i've carried all along. I am only beginning to grab ahold of the worth of a daughter of the King and the trust of a child. an entry from a few months ago reads: "open up my heart today like double doors opening to fields of beauty and grace. place your face before mine. stare me in the eyes. stare my darkness in the face and draw it out of me like drawing water from a well. my king, what is hidden within me? take away my doubt, let me fall completely into your arms. refine me, my husband. mold me into the proverbs 31 woman. Oh! How he loves me. Prepare me as your bride, pure and blameless in your sight. be the only man i see, the only man i desire, may i be beautiful in your sight. I don't deserve you-your faithfulness , love, truth, protection- I am the luckiest girl in the world"

my journey to Portugal is only the backdrop of the journey of my spirit. I have barely touched the refining fire, barely entered into obedience and communion with jesus, barely understood my identity. as this continues, i want to take you all with me. to partner with me, because we need each other. this journey is ours, wherever it leads.